Sunday, 29 April 2007

BEN'S CONUNDRUMS

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?
Toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

19. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

20. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

21. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.

22. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

24. Why is it bees, not apes, that live in an apiary?

25. If rooks live in a rookery, do bats live in a battery?

6 comments:

zola a social thing said...

To pee in a swimming pool?
Even to try and digust this doing of beastly deeds is suspicious.
Time warp?
Hidden extras?
Or, should I just shut my mouth?

anticant said...

Yes you should, in view of that suspicious puddle at the foot of our flagpole!

The Beadle is quite disgusted - as you can see from that 'old-fashioned' look in his eye.

I once had a friend who peed in the bath and then expected me to use the water.

Put me right off him.

zola a social thing said...

Why were you on him in the first place? You naughty thing.

BTW the way that poor old Beedle is clearly in trauma. I meant discuss and not digust. Trust the Beadle to find the bad bits in a posting Zola.

BTW : Finland is on heat for about 2 days. National holiday and all that.

My boss promises to keep me inside the house.

But I may get well pissed before she returns from her official duties at work. Then she will not know just how much the good comes from the bad.

Was just reading too, last week, a few old mountain climber writings. I mixed them with kayak folk.
Stories and all.

Then I went silent !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ben trovato said...

Now, Now, Zola, you know the Beadle has a very soft spot for you. But he's a teetotaller, poor thing. We must just pity him.

zola a social thing said...

Goethe would understand methinks.
As he would take a few bottles of wine on his adventures.

Who the fuck reads Goethe anymore?
Who the fuck needs to read Goethe today, or can?

But that bottle of wine?
Universal and elemental my dear buds of a Burrow.

...................

Giant Woo said...

what do you mean by the toothpick item? what will a chinese feel on reading this?