Dame Barbara has pronounced herself so charmed by the burrow, its inhabitants and environs, that she has embarked upon her one hundred and umpteenth Romantic Blockbuster which is to be entitled: Bewitched in the Burrow. The plot so far:
Lavenderblue Pantaloons, a simple young girl, has been sent by her mother to visit her old Grandpapa, Paul Wolfie, at Anticant’s Burrow. She sets out eagerly along the river bank, anticipating a chaste embrace from dashing young Ben Trovato on her arrival.
Traversing the towpath, she is hailed from the water by the Naked Kayaker, aka Zo-Zo Bare, who offers her a lift. Forgetful of her mother’s injunction never to canoodle with strange men, LavvyB steps gaily into the kayak and is whisked off down a tributary of the stream to the Pirate’s Lair, which is situated on a Yellow Duck Pond. Their arrival is greeted by an excited chorus of quacking marine bipeds.
Meanwhile, at the Burrow, the overdue appearance of Little LavvyB is causing concern. Her evil Grandpa, who is privy to the abduction, is dismissive of the others’ fears; but the Burrow Beadle, who has dandled Little LavvyB on his knee since she was a tiny tot and is her devoted admirer, insists on setting forth to ascertain her whereabouts. Girding himself with his second-best greatcoat, and accompanied by the faithful St. Bernard, Wooffie, bearing restorative brandy barrels, he sets off downstream…..
At this point, Dame Barbara retires to the Snug fortified by three hefty pink gins, and will be obliged for any helpful suggestions - strictly pure, needless to say - for the continuation of this mammoth bestselling epic.
Over to you.