Saturday, 25 August 2007

MRS MALAPROP'S DIARY - 25th August

I’m bothered about the Beadle. He’s taken to patrolling the river bank at crack of dawn and late at night, listening anxiously for sounds of plashing oars and peering anxiously into the gloom for the shadowy silhouette of a kayak. In the servants’ sitting room he nods off after meals and mutters restlessly in his sleep: “No knickers! No Knickers! By Order.” He tells me he has never recovered from the shock of finding Ms. Lavenderblue’s nether garments flying aloft from the Burrow flagpole, and fears a similar fate for my stockings. We shall see……

* * *

Anticant has instructed me to get the Guest Parlour spick and span in anticipation of a Bank Holiday visit from Dame Barbara, a distinguished romantic novelist and old friend of Anticant. From what Ben and the Beadle tell me, she is what is known as “rather a caution”, and has a weakness for pink gins, so Ben has been stocking up the Snug bar with plentiful supplies of Gordon’s and bitters. When Wooffie heard she was coming, he perked up and said he hoped she was bringing her jewel box. What can this mean?

* * *

Rummaging through the mustier recesses of the Burrow kitchen store cupboard, I unearthed sealed packets of fifty-four different brands of tea, all unopened and well beyond their use-by date. Ben says they were left by a former guest who could never make up his mind which flavour he liked best, so carried a trunkful of tea around with him. Finally he decided he preferred coffee. Men are so contrary! Not least the Beadle….

15 comments:

lavenderblue said...

With Respect.
I will have you know that my 'nether garments' are of the finest quality pure silk and a delight both to behold and to wear, as I am sure the Beadle will confirm........ooops,sori,was that a 'breech'of confidence ?

anticant said...

Madam Lavender, So far as I am aware, I have never presumed to don you esteemed 'smalls'. I am sure they are far too delicate for my rough hide.

Yes, they are a delight to behold, but I am still baffled as to how they came to be hoisted up our flagpole without my being aware of it.

Can you enlighten us?

lavenderblue said...

I cannot tell a lie.
It was the Naked Kayaker who debriefed me........

Merkin said...

Aha, that was news for me.
Didn't realise that she knew that 'briefs' were other than what you pay a Liar for.
'Musht be shome mishtake', said Bond.

miss marple said...

Ah! The plot [if nothing else] thickens.....

007 said...

Nobody does it better than the Naked Kayaker.

The Burrow Beadle said...

The Naked Kayaker is hereby subpoena'd to furnish further and better circumstantial particulars of the debriefing of Lavenderblue.

By Order of Judge Anticant

zola a social thing said...

Well it was like this guv... in kayaking there are "open V's" and "closed V's" ( it all depends on the rocks and the water. Usually, but not always, a decent rapid kayaker will go for the open V signs.

I used this as a metaphorical debate with dear LavenderBlue ( I cannot say what she was suffering from at the time) so that she might be able to sing and think again about her Flower of Scotland.

No cover ups I said and no cover ups I got. The metaphor worked a wonder.

But it was all done above board. I av the splinters to prove it still in me... regions.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the Beadle would order the nether regions of a certain LavenderBlue to be inspected for splinter scars or "above board" activities.

No, no , no. No need for the Merkin to be hauled in on the bowline. He is always on is knees and there are just too many scars.
But LavenderBlue has not always been this way.

dame barbara said...

I can only hope that in her unseemly plight Ms Lavenderblue remembered my - and doubtless her - mother's advice that "nice girls always keep their legs crossed".

My heroines are always spotlessly pure and unsplintered.

anticant said...

I should like to make it clear that, due to an editorial lapse, the second comment on this thread which is attributed to me was in fact contributed by the Beadle.

Apart from anything else, my hide is NOT rough - even though I have to be thick-skinned on occasions.

zola a social thing said...

Is that three skins for just one go?
Damn it used to be a packet of three would last me.... well... would last me a while.
Thick skinny dipping now is it.
Ah Dunno.

lavenderblue said...

I do declare my innocence.

Anonymous said...

Dip you in the water we will.

zola a social thing said...

Enough is enough.
I cannot sit here like this anymore.
LavenderBlue has thrown down to me her nether-region-textile-things.
I take the challenge.
I am her champion.