Thursday, 20 September 2007

RETURN TO THE BURROW

The cream-and-gold Roller swept under the archway purring to a stop in the Burrow courtyard and Dame Barbara emerged, followed by Anticant who was dreamily warbling:

‘Mud, mud, glorious mud!

Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood.

So follow me, follow

To Anticant’s Hollow

And there we will wallow

In glorious mud!’

He then tottered off to his den, supported on each side by the Beadle and Mrs Malaprop, who were cheerily calling ‘Hi-de-Hi’ and ‘Ho-de-Ho’ to each other.

Dame Barbara proceeded to hold a press conference, saying she had three important announcements to make.

“First, I have decided that in future I shall be known as Dame Barbara de Carteblanche, to avoid any confusion with other best-selling Romantic novelists, living or dead.

“Second, Anticant and I are so enchanted with the Thermal Health Spa we have just been visiting that I have purchased it for his 80th birthday present, and it will accordingly be re-opening in the near future after appropriate refurbishment as ‘Anticant’s Hollow’. We shall be inviting applications for the important post of Water Beadle.

“Lastly, I am embarking upon my 954th epic, inspired by our trip. I had intended to call it Water Sporting, but as dear Ben Trovato has pointed out this might be misconstrued I have decided that its title will be Aquatic Passions. The heroine’s name – need I say? – is Undine.

“Six large pink gins please, Ben.”

Ben Trovato, who had followed Dame Barbara out of the Rolls accompanied by a primly dressed young woman with her hair scrimped back into a bun, hastened to attend to Dame Barbara’s requirements.

The young woman, he explained, was a highly qualified Crafty Chambermaid whom he had recruited from Mrs Jump’s renowned Impeccable Domestics Agency, guaranteed to supply only persons of unblemished character. Her name was Demure Dorcas.

Left alone in the courtyard, the new acquisition looked furtively around to see that she was unobserved, and then announced:

“I am the Craftiest of Chambermaids!

I’m a dab hand at getting laid

By rich old men as big as tents

Whose largesse helps me pay my rents

And buy a big Mercedes Benz.

“Dame Chastity don’t plough my furrow -

I mean to liven up the Burrow.

But better not tell Anticant

Or the old fool will start a rant

And set the Beadle on my track

With Mrs Malaprop, alack.

“I’ll have to wheedle Master Ben

And throw Wooffie a bone, so when

A likely man checks in

They’ll turn a blind eye to my sin.

If Trousers calls, or maybe Wook, or Zola,

I’ll be ready for you, guys.

- Yours, Lusty Lola.”

She then skipped saucily into the Burrow.

Meanwhile, Miss Marple was reporting to Anticant on the absence of any startling incidents during her stewardship. No inappropriate articles of clothing had been hoisted aloft on the flagpole, and no rude messages had been received. There had been only one phone call – from a hiccupping Wooffie, barking somewhat incoherently from a “divine distillery on Dartmoor”, where the superb quality of the brandy had delighted both Lavenderblue and himself so much that he had ordered two dozen barrels for the Burrow cellars.

It looks as if there are interesting times ahead at the Burrow. Watch this space!

15 comments:

zola a social thing said...

Ah Dunno : Is this our infamous Anticant pissed again? Or is it yet another coming-out of the nature of the beast within?

The irony of a rather postmodern den.......as Anticant returns home again.
" Isn`´t it nice to be home again "

We don't sing the blues anymore.

lavenderblue said...

Lavenderblue is not a well woman..........
Happy Memories......when she can finally remember them..........
Welcome back Anticant et al..xx

zola a social thing said...

Do you remember when?
You were all woman and full of well being and remember today as you are.
What did we all do when we were 15 years old?
That must rake up a smile somewhere.

best we do not write this up unless we have a naughty-naughty rating.
But Laviblue I will not take away your honour - we have a compact.

Antipant is not protected by the same diplomacy.

But what did we all get up to when we were 15 years of age?

professor brainstawm said...

There is nothing 'postmodern' about the Burrow! Surreal, maybe, with more than a touch of whimsy. But essentially more 18th and 19th century than 20th - and certainly not 21st.

The Burrow Beadle said...

No philosophical gobbledygook in the Burrow.

By Order

zola a social thing said...

I have a pair of LaviBlue panties.
Holy relics?
Up for auction?
One user only.
Trust me.

mrs malaprop said...

"One user only"? Now who would that be, I wonder?

trousers said...

Welcome back anti. Nice to see you (to see you, nice!)

Emmett said...

GOODNESS Gracious, NEO-restoration versification? Welcome home, Aunty, you villain!

zola a social thing said...

With a pinch of salt as they say.
Aunty is up for election and no more to be said.
Just wait Auntie-slant will re-emerge as usual.

Just aminute : "goodness gracious" me from Emmett AND a Bruce Foreskin gag from Trousers!!!!???
Is this the neo-beginning of British comedy?

miss marple said...

Wooffie has been safely delivered back to the Burrow by Lavenderblue, wearing a new rope of pearls as big as pigeons' eggs and smelling strongly of brandy [Wooffie, that is - not LB]. He made a beeline for Dame Barbara, who produced a large juicy hambone for him out of her reticule.

After wagging his tail furiously and gnawing contentedly on the bone, Wooffie started sniffing suspiciously around the skirts of our new Chambermaid, Demure Dorcas, who seemed discomfited by his attentions.

I think I had better keep a discreet eye upon that young lady - she spends a great deal of her time peering under beds, and is exceedingly curious about the habits of all the Burrow residents. I suspect that she has ulterior motives which I shall make it my business to find out....

demure dorcas said...

You'll never guess what I found under Miss Marple's bed!

Emmett said...

AS To the 'post-modern', I shall be lecturing & laying down the law about all of /that/, and the art of historianship in a new & barbarous age, at the Blue Earth County Historical Society at 415 Cherry Street, in Old Mankato, at 1 PM (CDT) on Saturday, 20th October 2007. There is no admission, and the talk will be recorded for later broadcast & archiving online, at kmsu.org .

Emmett said...

ZOLA...'Pissed again'? Is that the same as /blind to the wide/? Or is it yer equivalent to the Yank "on the rag"? As in "...and whenever Mr Bush went on the rag at the boozy doings of his collegiate twins, someone else got their ass invaded by an increasingly-overstretched military of youthful YouPorn bloggers, which by the time the girls both finally were thrown out of college was in the shit in forty-seven countries...."

THIS /Is/ the heart & soul of epistemology, mind you, and it AIN'T just a load of frogs mucking about & yanking the hairs from their palms!

Wook, Lexicographer & Mere Drudge

zola a social thing said...

Should that be 57 variteesse?