Wednesday, 14 May 2008

A MESSAGE TO THE VOTERS OF CREWE AND NANTWICH

From Ben Trovato, Burrow Bucolic Independent candidate:

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Gordon Brown falls over, has a heart attack and dies, because the Accident and Emergency Dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Brown. "I'm sorry, But we have our rules," Peter interjects; and, with that, he escorts Brown to an elevator which takes him down, down, down ...all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Harold Wilson and many other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years: John Smith, Michael Foot, Jim Callaghan, etc. All the former Labour Party leaders are there. Everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants'. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Brown with a frosty drink,"Have a tequila and relax, Gord!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Brown, dejectedly. "This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!" Brown takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke resembling George Bush who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with the European Constitution and the Education, Immigration, Tough on Crime ... promises. They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Brown steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Brown is made to hang out with a bunch of honest,good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Harold Wilson never prepared me for this!" The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Brown reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this; I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all, but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian Outback, but worse and more desolate. He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Brown and puts an arm around his shoulder." I don't understand," stammers a shocked Brown, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time! Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Ah, but yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"
 

11 comments:

zola a social thing said...

Many a true word said in jest me old grumpy aid.
Gave me a wonderful early morning chuckle.
Bit unfair about John Smith though.

anticant said...

Agreed. He was the Lost Leader - a man of probity. But there are a good many others who could be included in the Devil's party.

senior citizens advice bureau said...

We hope you are not implying that the Merkin plays golf !

ben trovato said...

Whether he does of not, he sure knocks back tequilas!

Bodwyn Wook said...

This is from an old Sufi story, about the difference between the Hell 'we show to visitors' and the /other/ one....

anticant said...

And what about Paradise?

Bodwyn Wook said...

'Paradise' is the other side of the Hell-coin, and it is an example of the use of conditioning systems in religions, which set up rewards and penalties for compliance or non-compliance. The analogy is precise, moreover, with respect to most if not all other human systems, at least in the case of unregenerate enterprises such as the Labour Party, the american GOP and allopathic medicine, and the so-called post-modern university system. All are branches of the entertainment industry for the excessively other-directed, catering especially to extraverts and other defectives of the 'my happiness is contingent on what you do" school. The main product is unrelieved deserts of victimisation and 'compensatory' oasis-exercises in positive discrimination. The best part is no one needs to grow up, not ever.

pieinsky percy said...

I keep telling Gordo it would cost much less than £2.7 billion to tell the electors of Crewe & Nantwich that they will be exempt from all taxes for the next couple of years if they vote ZanuLabour. If that works, he could extend it to the whole country at the general election. Simple, really!

Excerpt from Welcome to My World by C Blair said...

Hail, horrors! hail,
Infernal World! and thou, profoundest Hell,
Receive thy new possessor—one who brings
A mind not to be changed by place or time.
The mind is its own place, and in itself
Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven.

zola a social thing said...

Bugger me and blame the wicked weed for the above perception of heaven and hell.
But pray : what is the "c" 4 as in the above mentioned C.Blair?

Merkin said...

Never played golf in me life.
And, I believe we make our own Heaven and Hell.