Wednesday, 22 August 2007

BABY BOOMING

ben trovato writes:

The following nugget from Wook is far too good to be left buried in a comment thread:

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs Smith .

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, But I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. " This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs Smith exclaimed.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - When you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too.

"The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.

"Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

" Ma'am, they was NUTS about it.... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

" Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted dead away.........

12 comments:

mrs malaprop said...

I am a respectable woman.

Anonymous said...

I know I made you just that.

Emmett said...

ACTUALLY, In my original re-working, I should have had the photographer just say "I've come..." before Mrs Smith cut him off in flusterment (instead of 'I've come to...." Which construction diverts attention unduly from the fact it's a load dirty double-entendres. These are all part-and-parcel of the vicssitudes of a Porno Editor, I am afraid.

zola a social thing said...

" a load dirty double-entendres" ?
Did I miss something?

merkin.onan.priapus said...

Don't you just love it when the squirrels nibble......

zola a social thing said...

Just wait for the croc to eat the baby.

the burrow muse said...

Squirrels are a soft option. How about this real news item?

[Sigourney Weaver] has claimed that the turning point in her acting career came [when] “I played this little girl with braids who was quite insane and kept a pet hedgehog in her vagina. After that I realised there was no looking back”.

- FAN FACTS, Independent, 6 February 1998

No looking back indeed! This titbit inspired the Burrow Muse thus:

"An actress named Sigourney Weaver
Did not rest content with split beaver.
When she put (as a stunt)
A hedgehog up her cunt
All her sorely pricked boyfriends did leave her."

The Burrow Beadle said...

No squirrels or hedgehogs in the Burrow.

By Order

mrs malaprop said...

No indeed!

lavenderblue said...

Simply....I am FAINT with shock........

Emmett said...

AS A veteran Smut Editor, I wonder if we aren't being, hmm, a tad.../raw/? I mean I do not for the life of me see HOW we can have in such short order migrated so far, from a gag about family-planning right down the sewer to what is tantamount to nothing better than low gerbil-felching -- /good/ drains, I call it!

Merkin said...

Any of the guys got her phone number?