Thursday, 11 January 2007

PERFECT FEMININITY

ben trovato offers the following refreshment:

There was once an idealistic male who swore that he would only marry the perfect woman.

Over many years and in many lands, he searched in vain. He met hundreds of charming, attractive, even seductive, women but none of them met his basic requirement.

This was that the perfect woman would serve his tea exactly as he liked it. When he was offered this homely beverage, he always said: “Just half a cup, please.” But the ladies always handed him a full cup regardless.

At long last, and in mellow middle age, he encountered a truly delightful matronly personage who possessed all the attributes for the ideal spouse. She shared his tastes in almost everything, and was a wonderful cook. Scarcely daring to hope that his long-cherished dream was about to come true, the Idealist asked for a cup of tea.

“How do you like it?” the lady asked. “Milk? Sugar? Lemon?”

“Just half a cup, please” he replied.

Almost trembling, he watched her pour out exactly half a cup. He reached his hand out to take it.

“Oh bother”, the Perfect Wife-to-Be exclaimed. “The pot’s run dry!”

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

Moral?. Put lots of milk in first.
Then, any woman seems perfect.

lavenderblue said...

Tasteless.

Pour boiling tea on his bllx.

That will teach the mothas to 'Do-it-themselves'............
They all seem all too capable of that.

ben trovato said...

If that is the case, why do they need your telephonic guidance?

lavenderblue said...

They are lazy..........
and I am Woman and I know all things.
And I am better than man.

lavenderblue said...

Some of them need telescopic lens....

Anonymous said...

Good for Ben !!

lavenderblue said...

yes, well..all boys together,huh?
Enough said.......

Anonymous said...

Was that 'telescopic lenses' or 'telescopic lens'?
There is a big difference, you know.

lavenderblue said...

I can assure you there are very few 'big differences'.
Lies...all lies.

Anonymous said...

So, what is the perfect man, my little Faberge Egg?.

Barnacle Bill said...

That's opening a can of worms.

lavenderblue said...

And ain't that the truth.........

lavenderblue said...

and the lines are open now.........

The Burrow Beadle said...

Now, Now, Ladies and Gents, this behind-the-bike-sheds bickering is not the burrow's cup of tea at all.

You will all be reported to Judge anticant for a reprimand when he returns from sipping Earl Grey with the Lady from Crewe.

By Order

mr porter said...

There was a young man of Darjeeling
Who had a peculiar feeling
When lavenderblue
Told him what to do
To float himself up to the ceiling.

Lady Bracknell said...

A TEA-BAG, Mr Worthing? The brand is immaterial!

China Clipper said...

I was once told of someone who kept over 50 different kinds of tea in their kitchen, which my informant quaintly regarded as the height of sophistication.

The Mad Hatter said...

Was there a dormouse in the Nearly-Perfect Woman's teapot?

butwhatif said...

This guy you speak of, Ben, sounds like a real chimp.

But was he an optimistic chimp or a pessimistic chimp? We need to know.

lavenderblue said...

BWI - erm..are you still having your ..strange dreams........?
Gordon Brown sprawled naked in a bed.......?

lavenderblue said...

There was an Old Man of Dumbree,
Who taught little Owls to drink Tea;
For he said, " To eat mice
Is not proper or nice,"
That amiable Man of Dumbree.

( Edward Lear, to save you dashing to Wikiwotsit .)

butwhatif said...

It's getting worse than that, LB.

Yet, remembering Anticant's 'cousin test', I'd better stop there.

Besides, all those brown packages - which you referred to earlier - I've got them to attend to.

lavenderblue said...

BWI........can I be of any assistance in your dreams..........!!!

butwhatif said...

Tea could help, LB. Apparently.

Mr Brooke, of Brooke Bond fame, once peddled the stuff by claiming it promotes "social intercourse."

To think, the fellow Ben tells us about only wanted it by halves.

lavenderblue said...

AHH....Tea.........

Judge Anticant is having it with The Lady from Crewe.........

" her tea she sweetens, as she sips, with scandal......."

Oh - and BWI - I've just blown your cover on Pikey's by revealing your dream...........

butwhatif said...

I only found a not-quite-Edward Lear, LB.

There was a young lady of Tottenham
Who'd no manners or else she'd forgotten 'em
At tea at the vicar's
She tore off her knickers
Because, she explained, she felt 'ot in 'em

Try digesting that for Readers' Condense. Nanight.

lavenderblue said...

BWI ......
Wonderful !!
Oooooooooh, we'll all be up before the Beak tomorrow ( today )

zola said...

It is soon time to form a union for the protection of knicker-lovers before that beadle drops em all in the mood of droops and groans.
I fear the lash.
Not sure what tea of women has to do with this I suspect that was just another Anticant red herring.

lavenderblue said...

Red herring or red flannel?

The Burrow Beadle said...

Judge anticant is occupied elsewhere this morning [in the vicinity of Crewe].

The burrow Court has been convened for this afternoon.

I have been instructed to dust off the stocks.

By Order

Szwagier said...

It seems to me that the idealistic male would have had a great deal more luck and happiness in his life if he'd just had a bigger cup.

zola said...

Would that an A, a B or even a D cup me old Szwagi?

Szwagier said...

:o)
"Anything more than a mouthful is wasted", zola.

zola said...

You squirt you

trousers said...

"You squirt you"
Does he, Zola?

zola said...

Tasteless.
More creamy topping ?

Court Reporter said...

At a burrow court session held this afternoon, lavenderblue was charged with riotous and disorderly behaviour within the burrow precincts.

The Burrow Beadle alleged that the said person had burst into the burrow and disrupted a genteel tea party by waving her knickers around and shouting “All men are milksops” and “Only wimmin know how to make a strong brew”.

Called in evidence, Barnacle Bill said that LB’s behaviour had opened a can of worms. Mr Porter said that the defendant had unduly stimulated a young man from Darjeeling with suggestive telephone messages. Lady Bracknell testified that she had been morally polluted by the defendant’s vivid fantasies of a nude Chancellor of the Exchequer, and shocked by the defendant’s insinuation that Judge anticant was canoodling with the Infamous Lady from Crewe.

In her own defence, lavenderblue said that she had, as usual, been led astray by the provocations of Zola. She admitted to a fiery past as a bra-burner, but denied that she was an inveterate knicker-waver. She pleaded diminished responsibility.

Judge anticant ruled that the defendant was guilty of frivolous misconduct. She would not, on this occasion, be placed in the stocks, but was given a suspended sentence: if she was found guilty of any future offence, she would be suspended by a frayed rope above a can of worms.

The Judge warned that any future display of red flannel knickers in the burrow would be regarded as a red rag to the Beadle, who would clap the culprits into the stocks immediately.

Merkin said...

Off with her head !!!.

NotZola said...

Off with her knickers!!!!

The Burrow Beadle said...

Be off, you lewd lot.

By Order

Rumpole said...

I thank Your Lordship for his inestimable knowledge of those of the telephonic fraternity and his indulgence of those who are, somewhat, less than pure. Crewe is indeed a can of worms for the uninitiated, and Your lordship has, indeed, negotiated, with admirable fervour, the rapids of modern Lavatorially Bloo graffitti as espoused by the defendant.
Her-a-Culpa

Rumpole said...

Hic.

ben trovato said...

Q. What made Nan twitch?

A. Being banished to Crewe with lavenderblue.