Grandpa Wolfie’s cottage in the forest. Grandpa Wolfie is entertaining El Wook and a troupe of lewd maidens, who have just arrived by spaceship. The maidens are in the throes of their Dance of the Seven Veils when Little Red Riding Boots enters.
LRRB: Lawks a mussy, Grandpa, whatever’s going on here? I traipse all through the dark and dangerous forest to relieve your solitude and bring you festive fare from the good Anticant and Dame Barbara, and what do I find? Wicked wassail with Wook!
El Wook: Have no fear, little lady, these scantily clad damsels are your new sisters, and your grandpa has agreed [for a consideration] that you shall join my roving troupe.
LRRB: Not on your Nellie! I never take my clothes off for strange men – unless they own a few diamond mines and a swathe of oil wells.
Grandpa Wolfie: But, my dear, this charming Magus has made a bargain with me that will be highly advantageous to us both. Surely you would not deny your impoverished old Grandpa a break after he has been so ignominiously ejected from his cushy job at the World Bank?
LRRB: As my Great-Aunt Eartha used to sing, I want an old-fashioned millionaire – not a clapped-out old pauper like you. Good Fairy LavenderBlue has granted my three wishes. I summon her to my aid!
Good Fairy LB materialises:
GFLB: What is it, my dear?
LLRB: You promised I would be a Queen, and stinking rich, with swarms of admirers, but now I find I have been sold willy nilly to this old mountebank and his sordid circus.
GFLB: My dear, there are many roads to one’s cherished goals, and though performing lascivious dances in nightclubs may not be the most immediately desirable, I can assure you that it has paved the way to diamond tiaras and wads of greenbacks for many a worthier wench than yourself. In this instance I fear I cannot intervene with the fate that awaits you in the harem of El Wook.
She vanishes. The lewd maidens surround LRRB and whisk her into an increasingly frenzied bacchanal, cheered on by Grandpa Wolfie and El Wook.
Curtain.
Meanwhile, back at Castle Anticant……But that’s Scene 5.
32 comments:
SUFFERIN' Sawfish! ANOTHER danged "scene!"
Cast Le AntiCant?
Fishy story there somewhere methinks.
Zola : That should be cast L'Anticant just think of the washing machine spinning around in the high street with Wilfred Pickles on heat.
What a load of Pollacks.
Let them eat kippers.
JUST Call me the Bill Deeds of /lestableaux exotiques/...at least know of US here is vying for Mr Watt's job! (When we get cash, everyone KNOWS it's for what the Yanks call "titties & Heineken"!)
[Sorry, the lot preceding was rather over the top on typos, even for me, Wook!]
JUST Call me the Bill Deeds of /les tableaux exotiques/...at least none of US here is vying for Mr Watt's job! (When we get cash, everyone KNOWS it's for what the Yanks call "titties & Heineken"!)
'AH, Mlle Bottines Petites,' leered Al Wook, the Sufi wizard & /quondam/ soyabean & bee rancher from southern Minnesota. 'Just sniffle up with this little platinum pipe some of this here medicament from South America, from the little mirror please -- 'tis said it allays fears and is an aid to certain experiments in self-discovery! -- whilst I explain our purposes here, to-night, and why all have been requested to bring along their "You Porn" videocams...B'gad! Little wretched hoyden -- do NOT sneeze on the lines of magic powders...Je-Sus Kee-Rist!" Wook's sufistic panache cracked momentarily, and his blood-shot boiled eyes started in their sockets whilst Grandpa & The Others & Them Lewd Maidens, all recoiled in horror, at LRRB's solecism with drugs....
No illegal substances in the Burrow.
By Order
As the renegade Sufi El-Wook persists in his ill-judged attempts to turn this innocent seasonal frolic into a degraded orgy of vice and immorality, he will be written out of the script until he understands that the tradition of British pantomime is that doubles-entendres of the nudge-nudge wink-wink kind are OK but pornographic scenarios are not!
CUSTOMS OFFICER: "Is that book pornographic?"
TRAVELLER: "How do I know? I haven't got a pornograph!"
We want Wook.We want Wookie.....
Isn't it getting exciting.........
when is the first real rehearsal?
TO All: I beg to report that the quondam 'Lewd Maidens' of Troop Wook all have been dismissed, with prejudice; so far were they from maidenhood and/or the innocent lewdity (/sic/) of dewy young womanhood that it comes up they was in fact naught but a load of re-incarnated Soho nautch-girls, of the old Mandy Rice-Davis -- Christine Keeler modelling academy-days. At any rate, I am nodding over my brekker as I write -- a havildar's guard of kippers and basted eggs and yellow mustard -- and reflecting on the base deceitfulness of the young...of all ages, alas! As a practising Sufi, of course I am glad to say that I acted /immediately/ upon receiving the report from Beyond, from Mr Profumo (unlike those devils in HMRC, /I/ do not play silly bastards when the data rolls!), Al Wook!
Sorry for my past posts.
I will change in the Natonal Interest.
NATONAL?
Damn it anonimite you are learning.
Shame that Anticant is struggling at the edges of our Christmas Play.
Get a grip Anticant.
If not I shall demand an erection.
WOOK (Insinuantly, to the latest applicant for replacement-maidenhood):
'IS'UMS The ickle girly-wirly like'ums Kipling, hmm?'
THE Young American applicant & no culture-vulture:
"JESUS Christ, 'G'ampa,' how the Hell should I know? Just HOW for God's sakes do you KIPPLE any God-damn way?"
HERE Is the substantial outline for a scene to be entitled 'In The Good Old Summertime':
http://oldunclecrow.wordpress.com/2007/11/24/grandpa-gitter/
Who sang 'In the summertime '?
as opposed to summertime blues ?
Mungo
J (G) erry ?
Memories..........
A pity Wook has stood down his troupe of lewd maidens so abruptly, as they might have been able to answer the following:
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people", she said. "In moments of temptation, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young pupil enquired: "Excuse me, Miss, but how do you make it last an hour?"
YOU Doubtless can find those 'maidens' in Old Mankato to-night...at the 'South Street Saloon', no doubt, looking high & low for Sara Little Wolf & The Pill Man!
" How do you make it last one hour?"
What you need is some of my love potion number nine.
A little music in the background and to learn never to say "excuse me".
Or change schools and go to St Trinians.
THE Lewd maidens of all ages tonight in the old Square Deal Bar, here in Old Mankato, are wriggling their haunches to the strains of yet ANOTHER farewell appearance by the Ace In The Whole
"Back To The 80s" band, and running their rumps inadvertantly up against the swollen rank of old farmers drinking at the bar from full tumblers of neat vodka and lolling to smoke in a sardonic way Camel "straight" [un-filtered, not cannabis-free -- ed] cigarets. One of the maidens, a waitress called Carinda, contemplates the ageing & now-fallen in Farmer Wook sourly and meditates making a run at his leering rheumy eyes with a cunning little nail-scissors from within her purseful of crumbling pessaries & odd mismatched pistol rounds. Love's betrayals of 1982 still burn and roil within the seething remembrance of these quondam maidens, and the memory of hateful lies and certain posed now-faded polaroids are now the common property of their daughters too, all schooled to "beware of Wook!"
"HONEST To God, honey, if that old louse knocks you up TOO, I'll help you KILL the bastard...I will!"
Yes...but.....will there be Mince Pies laced with Brandy ?
LOTS Of minxes...takes remarkably LITTLE brandy, eh?
Oh No It Doesn't !
Oh yes it does
Does scene 5 take another week?
Harassment of the panto producers will result in instant expulsion from the auditorium.
By Order
Expell me?
Do you know what that would do for the government?
Stop sounding like Hattie Harman!
Ex-spell me?
Ex-spiel me?
No matter, do you not know what the consequences would be.
By appropriate request.thai dieblues
Give me a bit of cleave-urge-ish for Gods sake.
I do have secrets you know.
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