Monday, 18 December 2006

BEN'S BON-BONS

ben trovato has been rummaging in the burrow cellar, and has unearthed the following chestnuts:

RELIGIONS OF THE WORLD IN ONE MINUTE

Taoism: Shit happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say "Shit happens."
Buddhism: Shit happening is an illusion.
Islam: Shit happening is the will of Allah.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Christian Science: There is no shit to happen. It’s all in the mind.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Atheism: Shit happens for no reason.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, shit happens, shit happens...
Stoicism: Shit happens. I can take it.
Jehovah's Witnesses: Let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit and see what happens.
Scientology: You can stop shit happening by giving us lots of money.


START EACH DAY WITH A SMILE

How to start your day with a positive outlook:

1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "Tony Blair".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to delete Tony Blair?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

You will feel even better if you do this every hour or so........

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

What's more you can set the comp to send you a message about the file at a set interval.
Me?. I do it every hour on the hour.
And so should all of us.

zola said...

You missed out Capitalism.

anticant said...

Zola: This thread is labelled 'humour'. Capitalism is no laughing matter. {Have you ever tried READING Marx's turgid tome?]

zola said...

Where is the Dunno for today ?
Fuck nose !!!
( I will get back to you on Marx )

zola said...

OK : You asked for it :-

Capitalism : Shit pays and you will pay for it and think you like it.

butwhatif said...

"You missed out Capitalism."

How about, Zola:

Capitalism: "Shit happens. But at least it happens efficiently."

What about a dose of Platonism, AC, to complement all the Stoicism?

Platonism: "Shit happens. But in this world, only in the particular."

(Maybe it belongs on another thread, AC but..)

Rumsfeldianism:: "Shit never happens. But stuff does ... because freedom’s untidy."

Therapy-ism: "Shit happens. Then you talk about it."

What about that new cult, that of Gross National Happiness, headed by High Priest Richard Layard:

GNHism: "Shit really only happens when the amount of shit happening to you exceeds the amount of shit happening to your neighbours."

zola said...

Butwhatif : Nice to see you steering slowly away from the Guardians of the gates. It's wonderful to see you, it's certainly a thrill... like to take you home with us .....
But : your take on Capitalism is very risky is it not?
Are you a risk-seeker?

anticant said...

Maybe it's butwhatif who deluges me - and presumably you - with all those junkmails touting for today's hottest new investment? It's like chain letters. Remember Bernie Cornfeld and 'Do You Sincerely Want to be Rich'? Not to mention ENRON. And the South Sea Bubble?.....

zola said...

Some people really believe that I was born in the early 1700s. I WAS that South Sea Bubble.

anticant said...

An 18th century South Seas ancestor of Nessie?

Anonymous said...

Turgid tome, flaccid dome.
Everyone knows that.

butwhatif said...

Zola: "Are you a risk-seeker?"

Hmm... I'm probably a bit too conservative, all in all. You did get me thinking, at this late hour, about 'risk society' and all that jazz. So here's one. On behalf of

Frank Furedi: "Shit happens. Then modern theodicy seeks someone human to blame."

BTW, has Blair apologised for the South Sea Bubble yet? Just might have missed it if he has.

Blairism: "Shit happens; but be choosy over which parts of it you'll apologise for."

Final one, on behalf of a much maligned group of worshippers:

Coprohiliacs: "Shit happens ... to be vastly underappreciated."

(Oops. Does that pass your 'cousin test', AC?)

anticant said...

I gave one of my cousins - 13 now - a dictionary recently, which he would need for this one. But judging from his occasional e-mails, he doesn't even use a spell-checker. I've no sisters and aunts, alas, but cousins rash enough to peep into the burrow will have to take pot luck. Just hope Zola isn't having one of his knicker-brandishing fits.