ben trovato retrieved the following missive from the burrow fireplace this morning. It had evidently been posted down the chimney:
Dear Friends
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 colly birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this! - Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation, and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my act together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Asda before everything is gone.
Love,
Santa.
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4 comments:
Hmmmmmmm.........well, swop your VD lot for the kitchen right now - they can scratch, leap,lay,pipe,swim,and I don't care........it's nature, dear Santa......what isn't nature is the butchery going on down stairs........AND he has assaulted my nextdoor neighbour.the only one who still speaks to me.
However, however, soon the lion will be sleeping, due to a large amount of whisky consumed during the massacre......and i have my camera.......AND the tyger-print skintight pants he is rather partial to..........ho ho ho
Hell! - sorry, Anticant, just posted similar on two of your threads...must lie down............
Oh dear, why can't you two celebrate "peace and goodwill" without all this mayhem and bloodshed? You'll be kebabing Ray Gosling next....
Whole birds are too much for us to cope with these days, so we have settled for a rolled piece of sirloin of beef which should be tasty and easy to cook.
Thanks for thinking of me - much appreciated. I don't plough an easy furrow these days - feel utterly lousy and limp two or three times a day without any warning, and can't do half the things I would like to.
However, that's life and it's really nice to have supportive friends around the burrow.
There was always something suspicious about those little elves.
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