Saturday, 16 December 2006


Shavonne Kelly [who she?] sent me a long e-mail of sheer gobbledygook this morning. Here are the first few sentences:

The old man repeated the question. to the vacancy; if there was not a vacant place at the table, the brushdefying, soapandwaterproof, north star, burr mud, blacker thannewcomer retired to the window and read the Northern Messenger or the until it aim reached the western Tsa. This is my she. Who feed on population wishes her more detect than Tsa……”

And so on, and so forth. Etc. etc. Totally meaningless piffle and twaddle. Bilge. I am now getting literally dozens of such e-mails every day from the Shavonnes of this world, and no doubt you are too. Illiterate, senseless drivel, pouring out of umpteen computers from heaven knows where.

What intrigues me is: WHO ARE THESE CRETINS? Why do they do it? Are their lives really so empty that the best way they can think of to eke out their pointless existence is to emulate a chimpanzee dreaming she is Jane Austen? [These ‘narratives’ quite frequently feature Mr Darcy]. Besides the lunatic fiction writers, there are the purveyors of instant remedies for increasing my penis size – alas, that horse has long since bolted – and the enthusiastic purveyors of replica Rolex watches and touters of hot stock market tips, who no doubt hope that some naïve recipients are eagerly going to send their credit card details.

Computer-wiser friends assure me that there is method in all this madness, and that the senders are either malevolent trolls seeking to infect my system with a nasty virus, or thievish types after dosh. I at anyrate have the good sense never to click a link on these missives, and to delete them promptly. But what a waste of time and effort!

Shavonne Kelly’s tale does at least contain one grain of good sense. As her ‘old man’ remarks, “you cant fool them on a bad pudding by putting on a good sauce”.

You can say that again.


zola said...

Anticant : That is just her way of trying to get into yer knickers.
Reply with a Jonne Donne poem.

anticant said...

Zola: Why are you so preoccupied with knickers? Are you a knickers fetishist? I do not want my burrow festooned with your knickers. Or your granma's. BTW, do reindeer wear knickers? [Oh dear, you've got me at it now...]

Merkin said...

I have just received an email from a certain Etna Culpepper (I just love the names)of the type in question.
These ones are sent not to advertise some struggling writer but to get past your spam filters with seemingly genuine (if a little free) prose.
What I want to know is - who told these people I am need of Viagra and a penis extension, not to mention the Hot Chicls in My Area.

zola said...

Anticant : It is back to the Times Crossword for you.
Lurkin Merkin will help.

anticant said...

BTW, 'Spam' is an unkind label for this internet trash. When I was a kid in WW2 tinned Spam from the good ol' USA was an eagerly sought supplement to our meat-starved diet. Very tasty it was, too - as long as you didn't dwell too closely on the gory happenings in those Chicago stockyards.

Speaking of which, the naturalist W.H. Hudson, who grew up in Argentina, says in his wonderfully evocative autobiography "Far Away and Long Ago" that as you rode into Buenos Ayres from the pampas the stink of the stockyards assailed your nostrils from miles away.

H'm. This is turning into a piece of spam.....

Merkin said...
Good point - spam has actually been re-branded and is going to be trendy for the Euston Manifesto set, no doubt.
Me?. Always preferred corned beef.
As a student I worked a couple of Summers, in Shetland, in a fish factory. Never ate fish for a long time.

zola said...

My God : You lot are enough to force into writing something about Frays and Fray Bentos.
Finland knows something about that.

As for the fish well. Try north Norway for an early winter kayaking trip. Would put you off a load of old cods for ever.

Please : to anyone not used to this kind of canned beef or rocking salmon, do not talk Monty P stuff unless you want yer knickers seen, nicked and spent.
Be warned, warmly.

anticant said...

No sooner said than done, Zola, thanks to the wonders of Project Gutenberg. Bet Hudson's evocation of Old Buenos Ayres will make you thank your lucky stars you do live in Finland, fish n' all.

And stop waving your knickers around.

zola said...

Well bugger me : you have already made a start.
Get you back I will.
But spam it is not.
I got mixed with Nokia stuff.
Should have concentrated on the thread.
Oh, sorry I am already chatting about your thread above.
That tells it all i guess.
Fritters !!!